My Story
I never actually know where to start with these. So, I guess I’m starting from the beginning. I joined the Navy when I was 21. I had your typical life before that. I wanted to be a Navy Nurse, which is the reason I joined the Navy in the first place. My first 10 years in the Navy were amazing. I mean, it had its ups and downs. I had gotten married and divorced, but who doesn’t right? I’m glad it happened, because it taught me what I shouldn’t put up with.
What changed my whole life was when I was at my shore duty command, which was a recruiting command. I had applied to this officer program called MECP (Medical Enlisted Commissioning Program) for Navy nursing 3 times prior to me going on shore duty, with no luck getting accepted. I mean, they only accept 15-20 applicants a year between Navy and Marines, so you can only imagine how competitive it is. This is where I met my son’s father. I won’t name him. He is a Marine. We were only supposed to be having fun, but low and behold, I ended up pregnant. Now, I should mention, I never wanted kids. But I just couldn’t go through with termination.
Let’s fast forward. I get orders to California, to a ship. USS Abraham Lincoln. I was SO excited. I missed being on a ship after being a Navy recruiter for 4 years. I had a friend who agreed to help me with my son while I deployed. This was during COVID, and while we moved in together, I made a comment about COVID that she didn’t agree with, and we ended our friendship. This was the start of my downfall. Without a Family Care Plan in the Navy, and on a ship, you are not allowed to stay in. I asked everyone. My mother lived in a 55+ community and kids weren’t allowed. I tried to convince her to move to CA and she could live with me, but she was not a fan of CA. I asked his dad, but he would have been in the same predicament as me and couldn’t. I asked my dad, but he also said he wouldn’t be unable to handle him. I literally had no one. I let my command know, and they basically told me to figure it out. Even went as far as saying to go on care.com and hiring someone. In comes Brittany. I met her in a FB female enlisted group and in the coming weeks, we decided to give it a shot. And she became my best friend.
Let’s fast forward again. It was working. In her mind. But in my mind, I was struggling. I was in and out on my ship doing workups. I felt like a burden to her. To her family. I felt like I intruded on her life. I felt like I was this grown-up who couldn’t handle her own child or her life. I felt hopeless in everything I did. My command sent me to another division known as “the division of unwanted sailors”. Literally. I felt like my son was taking more to her family than me, so he didn’t want me. So, what was I there for? My thoughts were my worst enemy at this point. My tipping point? Shane ended up in the ER after falling out of the van at daycare and needed stitches. Guess who wasn’t there? Me. I was underway. After being out a few more days, I made it home to him. I just held him and cried. I let Brittany know my thoughts, and the next day, I went to the ER for suicidal ideation. I was hospitalized for 6 days.
After being separated, I didn’t know what I was doing. I mean, after 2 years, I still don’t. I changed my degree plan 4 times. I have cried more times in the past 2 years than in my entire life. If it wasn’t for Brittany, I most certainly wouldn’t be here. I’ve found peace in the outdoors, and I know there are more veterans out there who have felt the same. I’m here to tell you that you aren’t alone. There are resources available to you. There are people who will listen to you. And there are things to take your mind off the pain. Nature is the cure you didn’t know you needed. So, follow along with my journey to healing and the struggles I still face.
